Please Don't Disappear
by Magdelen
Summary: What if instead of Derek, Addison pulled Meredith out of the water and had to fight to save her life? Includes scenes from last ep. with Addison replacing Derek, my prediction for next ep. and some extra scenes to tie it all together. Addisons P.O.V.


**I wrote this because I am obsessed with Addison. I could try to deny it but since I have yet to write a story in which she is not the main character...**

**It's all first person, almost stream of consciousness. If Addison seems like she is on acid at the beginning that is just me attempting to show that she is on an adrenaline high.**

**Since Grey's is a television show I decided to divide this fic into "scenes."**

**I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of the characters.**

**P.S. Keep an eye out for how Addison's physical interactions with Derek, Mark and Alex parallel their emotional interactions. I put a lot of thought into that aspect of the story.**

**Now, without further ado:**

**Please Don't Disapear**

**scene one: **

_And one and two and three and four and five and six and seven and eight and nine and ten and eleven and twelve and thirteen, fourteen fifteen. Breath... Breath..._

_And one and two and three and four... I'm putting all my weight into the compressions. Pumping her blood for her. She's just as blue and lifeless as when I pulled her out. How long was she under? Breath... Breath..._

_And one and two and three and four... My fingers are still numb, after only minutes in the water. The cold's gone deep into them. Any nerve damage and I'll never hold a scalpel again. And I risked that for Meredith Grey? Breath... Breath..._

_And one and two and three and four... More than that, I risked my life for her. We could have both gone to the bottom. If you fall into cold water you have approximately ten minutes before your body completely shuts down. I was in and out in less than six, I think. Breath... Breath..._

_And one and two and three and four... I've heard of mothers lifting cars to free their trapped children but I've never felt that rush of adrenaline before. Not even in the most intense surgery. I shouldn't have been strong enough but somehow I was. Breath... Breath..._

_And one and two and three and four... Of course I was on my way home. Situations like these always seem to arise just after you work a thirty hour shift. I'm a doctor. There were people in need of help so I was helping. Breath... Breath..._

_And one and two and three and four... I recognized the coat and the twenty dollar high-tops and I knew it was her. I didn't worry that I'm not that strong a swimmer. I didn't worry about diving into unfamiliar water. I only worried that I might be too late. Breath... Breath..._

_Fifteen compressions and two long breaths per cycle. Four cycles per minute. After approximately ten minutes check for signs of circulation. Pulse, capillary refill, etc. Listen for breathing. Watch for a telltale rising and falling of the abdomen._

_Come on Meredith, don't do this. Please. Please, breathe._

_Keep pace with your own heartbeat and don't be afraid to push too hard. Pumping blood through a person's veins requires force. If you do it correctly you should hear ribs pop their sockets. You should also tire quickly. If you feel faint do not continue to perform C.P.R._

**scene two:**

"You can stop now M'am. We'll take it from here."

I glance up and note the reddish orange jacket. E.M.S. I finish the cycle and one of the paramedics pushes in to take my place. Someone wraps a blanket around my shoulders and tries to lead me away. I'm frozen. I can't tear myself from Meredith's side.

"She's hypothermic," I whisper through my own chattering teeth.

"We can see that M'am. You'd better let us handle it from here and get yourself to triage."

_Triage? I don't need medical attention do I? Shit, I'm bleeding._ For the first time I notice that my knees are raw and studded with gravel from kneeling on the concrete. A crimson rivulet creeps slowly down my shin. My bare feet are probably equally mangled although I can't feel them at the moment. I must have lost my shoes in the water.

"Triage can wait," I declare, trying to inject some authority into my trembling voice. "I'm a surgeon at Seattle Grace Hospital and I know this woman."

They've lifted Meredith onto a stretcher and are about to hoist her into an ambulance. My stiff fingers feebly clutch the paramedic's jacket.

"I'm her... She's my..." S_he 's my what? My ex-husband's girlfriend?_ It seems like a pretty pathetic reason to risk your life for someone. The label doesn't begin to describe how badly I need Meredith Grey to be alright.

"Please, I need to go with her in the ambulance. It's important," I stammer.

**scene three:**

I'm not even certain if we'll be directed to Seattle Grace until the ambulance doors swing open and I see Miranda Bailey's face.

The paramedic starts to ramble, "Jane Doe, hypothermic..."

"She's not a Jane Doe," I interrupt. "It's Meredith. It's Meredith Grey."

Bailey's eyes snap wide open and she freezes for a moment before regaining control of the situation and beginning to bark orders. I'm helped down from the ambulance and now that I'm standing up again my head starts to spin. Waves of nausea double me over. Most of what comes up is harbor water. I stumble around it and limp after Bailey and Meredith.

**scene four:**

A team of doctors, Richard, Burke, Bailey have already crowded around Meredith by the time I reach the trauma room.

"Try a warm peritoneal lavage, or even a continuous wire lavage. You could try a thoro... a thorocotomy." The words tumble out of my mouth.

"We'll look after her, Addison. You're soaking wet. You need to go get cleaned up." Richard orders. His voice is calm but I see the fear in his eyes.

I can feel the adrenaline draining out of me and I slowly become aware of how tired I am and how much my feet hurt. I'm starting to feel cold as well. My dress clings to me wetly and offers little warmth. I can't remember what I did with the blanket. Glancing down I notice that my knees have started bleeding more heavily so my body must be warming up a little. At the sight of the dirty, bloody water I'm tracking all over the pristine trauma room floor it finally dawns on me how ridiculous it is for me to be in this room.

Frankly the entire situation is ridiculous. I idea that Meredith Grey could die in front of me is absurd. It's like some kind of sick joke. I don't want to see it happen, don't want to keep watching but I can't tear my eyes away from her. I almost afraid that I'm keeping her alive just by staring and if I look away she'll flatline.

_This is crazy. They're good doctors. Richard, Preston, Miranda, they're all good doctors. There's nothing I can do that's going to be any better than what they can do._

It takes my body a minute to react to this realization before I can wearily limp away. As I exit the trauma room I come face to face with Derek.

**scene five:**

"Addison, where is she!" He's frantic, racing down the hall followed by Bailey's interns. Probably the worst thing that could happen right now would be for him to go through the door and see Meredith's corpselike body.

"You can't go in." I flatten myself against the door griping the handle in one hand and bracing myself against the frame with the other, my arm barring the way.

"Addison, get out of the way."

"No Derek. You're too emotional."

"Let me in!" He grabs my left wrist off the doorknob and tries to forcefully pull me away from the door but I grab the handle with my other hand and hold on tight. His fingers tighten painfully, crushing my wrist and tears well in my eyes.

_I was married to this man for eleven years and now he's physically hurting me._

"Take it easy on her!" Alex Karev wraps his arms around Derek from behind, locking him in a bear hug and turning him away from the door. Derek doesn't seem to notice that he's still squeezing me in a vice like grip.

"I need to see her," he whispers and crane's his neck towards the trauma room door trying to twist around and face it.

I'm almost face to face with Alex over his shoulder.

"Are you o.k?" he asks gently while struggling to immobilize Derek. I don't bother to answer him. Instead I place my free hand on the side of Derek's face and gently turn him towards me until his forehead rests against mine.

"Listen to me Derek. Listen." I speak firmly despite the pain in my wrist. "You can't help her like this. If you go in there like this you'll only make it harder for her doctors to do their job. You have to calm down."

Something I'm saying finally gets through to him. He stops struggling a heaves a long shuddering sigh. Alex relaxes his grip and lets Derek collapse against me, his weight forcing me back against the wall then dragging me down to the floor.

"What do I do Addi? I don't know what to do." We slump against the wall, his head on my shoulder and I search for something to say to comfort him. All I can manage is,

"Calm down."

The interns silently make their way over and join us against the wall. Izzie, George and Christina settle a few feet to my right and Alex sets himself down immediately to the left of Derek and I. I let him pull my left arm out from where Derek's weight has crushed it to my chest. He gently probes the bruises Derek's fingers left behind.

Mark and Callie rounds the corner, fresh from surgery, Mark carries a first aid kit and Callie has her arms full of blankets and dry clothes. They find the six of us huddled against the wall with our eyes fixed on the trauma room door. The only sound is the chattering of my teeth.

_Behind that door Meredith Grey is fighting for her life._

**scene six:**_  
_

Under different circumstances this would be an incredibly awkward situation. You know there are too many men in your life when...

Mark sits cross-legged in front of me. My feet, wrapped in blankets, rest in his lap while he cleans and bandages my knees. I'm wearing an oversized grey hoody and matching sweatpants. Callie brought them so I assume they belong to George.

Alex holds my left hand, trying to warm my fingers while at the same time holding an ice pack to my wrist which is swollen to say the least and possibly sprained. I can't even get a good look at the damage because Derek's leaning on me again, pinning my left shoulder to the wall. He's cutting off my circulation and whenever I turn my head his hair gets in my face. It's funny that he would lean on me in a situation like this.

_But in a situation like this, who else would he lean on?_

**scene seven:**_  
_

Meredith has teetered on the brink of death for so long now it's almost become monotonous. At first every second seemed vitally important and I couldn't tear my eyes from the door for an instant. I've started thinking in terms of minutes now, minute after endless minute, each the same as the last. I'm not exactly clear on how long we've been sitting here.

Periodically a nurse or one of the doctors will give us an update but its always the same news. No change so far.

Preston emerges from the trauma room to ask Christina if there's anything she needs.

"I need you back in that room."

Mark finishes with my knees and goes to work on my feet. I wince as he tweezes a shard of glass from my heel. It plinks into the surgical tray, piercing our silence.

Callie and George twist their fingers together, grip hands tightly. George holds Izzie's hand as well.

I try to ignore Mark picking at my feet.

I think I feel Alex stroking my hand but I'm not sure and I can't look because Derek's still in the way.

My teeth start to chatter again.

Derek stares at the door.

**scene eight:**

"Addison. Addison wake up."

I'm curled in fetal position on the cold hard floor. I must have fallen asleep.

"Addison."

I open my eyes and see Richard leaning over me.

"Addison, Meredith is..."

I snap awake. "Oh God, she's not..?"

"She's conscious. She's asking for you."

"Oh... me?"

**scene nine:**

"How are you feeling." She looks like death warmed over.

"Not great. I hear you saved my life."

"I _helped_ save your life."

"You pulled me out of the water. _You_ saved... my life."

"O.k. I saved you life."

There's a minute of awkward silence before Meredith speaks again.

"If I were you I wouldn't be at the top of my list to save my life. I'm sorry. That didn't make any sense. Why'd you do it?"

So that's what this is about. I wondered why she would want to see me before Derek or Christina or any of her other friends. I should proably tell her that it was instinct, that I would have done the same for anyone else but I just went through the most exhausting hours of my life and I'm too tired to lie to her.

"Because ever since prom night I have felt scared and alone and depressed all the time and the only thing that makes it even remotely o.k. is knowing he's happy."

"Derek?"

_What does she expect me to say? Just kidding, I love Mark?_

"Look Meredith I'm going to be honest. I was married to him for eleven years. I'm always going to love him but that doesn't mean I ever want to be with him again because I don't. It's more like... We both put each other through so much pain. At least one of us has to come out of it happy or else why'd we go through all that? What was the point?"

She nods a little and another moment passes silently. I'm about to leave when she speaks again.

"Addison... when you and Derek were married... did you ever feel like you were disappearing? Did you ever feel like you weren't yourself anymore, you were just... Derek's wife?"

I think back to the lonely nights I spent in New York, hoping that Derek would come home.

"Yeah. A lot of the time I did feel like I was disapearing," I whisper. "It was almost like I needed him too badly, like I didn't exist without him. No matter how much you love someone, a relationship shouldn't make you feel like that."

She nods again.

"Thank you, Addison," she whispers.

**scene ten:**

Half an hour later Derek finds me in the locker room. My heart leaps into my throat at the expression of shock and hurt on his face.

"Derek, what happened? Is Meredith o.k?"

"She's gone."

I swear my heart stops beating.

"I don't understand. I thought she was out of the woods. She can't be-"

"No, she's alright." His voice is hollow. "She's going to be alright. She just..."

Suddenly I know what's coming. My conversation with Meredith takes on a terrifying new significance and I know... I just know what Derek's going to say.

"She left me."

**So there you have it folks. I sincerely believe that Meredith is going to recover and then leave Derek. Lately she hasn't seemed as happy in their relationship as he has and I think the near death experience will cause her to realize this.**

**Now incase you didn't pick it up for yourselves I will explain what I meant by "P.S. Keep an eye out for how Addison's physical interactions with Derek, Mark and Alex parallel their emotional interactions. I put a lot of thought into that aspect of the story."**

**1. Derek collapses on Addison first pushing her against the wall and then dragging her down to the floor. Many fans of Addison believe that Derek drove her to cheat on him, "pushed her against a wall," by neglecting their marriage in New York. Also most people can probably agree that being in a loveless marriage with Derek through season two would "drag Addison down" a little.**

**2. Mark is the person who picks the broken glass and dirt and shit out of Addison's cuts. He cares about her but his attempts to look after her either irritate her or cause her pain.**

**3. Alex holds an ice pack to Addison's wrist at the same time as trying to warm her fingers. Kind of a contradiction isn't it. Sort of like in the show when Alex says all the nice coffee stuff and they kiss and then suddenly he's not interested but he'd still notice if she weren't around. Oh what a tangled web we weave...**

**4. Addison thinks Alex may be stroking her hand but she's not sure and she can't look and see because Derek's blocking her view. There is the hint of a possibility for a relationship between Alex and Addison but she will have to put aside her Derek baggage if that is going to happen. I realize that she also has Mark baggage but I could not have them both sitting on her lap without it being very weird.**


End file.
